how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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