Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
