also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
