i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
