You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
