I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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