whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
