I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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