Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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