i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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