Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
