I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
