One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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