Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
her vagine was all disorganized.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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