I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
