It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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