i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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