My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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