Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
