if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
