Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
