I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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