In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think my fart just growled at me.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
