I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
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