I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
