My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
