I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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