It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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