Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Sex in the backyard? Check.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize