I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
