OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
