I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
