She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
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