What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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