you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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