if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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