I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
