This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
