I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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