i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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