tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
