maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
