i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
