I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
