Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
