I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
