everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
