Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
