Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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