Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
