Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wanna bring you to show and tell
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
