somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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