After last night, I could never be a politician.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
