so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You're like the curious george of whores
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
