I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
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