the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
