I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
