Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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